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Microsoft's Memo To It's Indian Staff - Hilarious | ||
Discussion by miCRoSCoPiC^eaRthLinG with 34 Replies.
Last Update: January 6, 2008, 8:16 am (View Latest) | Page 1 of 2 pages. | ||
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BTW - this would appeal more to the Indian people on this board as it contains a lot of expletives in our national language - Hindi. I wouldn't bother translating them, as some of them are real nasty. But wherever you encounter such a word, simply put your imagination at work and replace it with something filthy - and you'd get the gist of the whole memo.
QUOTE
Microsoft's Memo to its Indian StaffThis is a REAL MEMO from Microsoft HR Director in Redmond , WA to its staff of the Indian Origin. Every word here is kept intact without alteration.
MEMO TO INDIAN STAFF
In view of the large number of Indians working in the USA , UK and many other countries with White People, it has become important for Human Resources Department to issue directives to their Indian staff.
TO ALL HINDI-SPEAKING STAFF
It has been brought to our attention by several officials visiting our corporate headquarters that offensive language is commonly used by our Hindi-speaking staff. Such behavior, in addition to violating our policy, is highly unprofessional and offensive to both visitors and colleagues.
Staff will IMMEDIATELY adhere to the following rules:
1. Words like CHUTIYA, GANDU and other such expressions will not be used for emphasis, no matter how heated the discussion. You will not say CHUTIYE, AKKAL NAHI HAI KYA TEREKO when someone makes a mistake, or MADAR CHOD, BHENCHOD when a major mistake has been made. All forms derived from the verb CHOD are inappropriate in our environment.
2. No project manager, section head or administrator, under any circumstances, will be referred to as GADHA or CHUTIYA . Lack of determination will not be referred to as KAAMCHOR SAALA and neither will persons who lack initiative be referred to as BHOSADIKAA or MADARCHOD .
3. Unusual or creative ideas from your superiors are not to be referred to as GAND FAADU, if a person is persistent, or if a task is heavy to accomplish. In a similar way, do not use GAND FATI, if a colleague is going through a difficult situation.
4. Furthermore, you must not say BHOSADE MEIN GAYA when matters become complicated. When asking someone to leave you alone, you must not say DIMAG KI MAA BHEN MAT KAR. Do not ever substitute 'May I help you?' with BOL TERI GAND KAISE MARU.
5. When things get tough, an acceptable _expression such as 'We are going through a difficult time' should be used, rather than MAA CHUDI PADI HAI or GOTI MUH MEIN HAI.
6. No salary increase shall be ever referred to as KHAIRAAT BAATI JAA RAHI HAI KYA. Under no circumstances should you call our elderly corporate partners as BUDDHA KHOOSAT.
7. Last, but not least, after reading this memo, please do not say: YE KAGAJ GAND PONCHNE KE LAAYAK BHI NAHI HAI.
We hope you will keep these directions in mind.
Sincerely,
Steve Rider
Human Resources Director
Microsoft Corporation
On second thoughts, I'll do provide translations (not literal) of some of the minor ones - and in most cases I'll tone down the meaning a bit:
- The verb CHOD - to screw, to put it mildly
- AKKAL NAHI HAI KYA TEREKO - You don't have brains enough
- GADHA - donkey / ass - whichever you prefer
- GAND FAADU - Kick Ass
- KAAMCHOR SAALA - bloody idiot who's always absconding from work.
- DIMAG KI MAA BHEN MAT KAR - dont chew on my brains
- GOTI MUH MEIN HAI - my testicles have popped up to my mouth
- BOL TERI GAND KAISE MARU - let me know how to screw your hindside
- BUDDHA KHOOSAT - Old hag
- YE KAGAJ GAND PONCHNE KE LAAYAK BHI NAHI HAI - this is the final one in the memo - this means, this memo paper isn't even worth wiping your ass with or being used as a toilet tissue.
m^e
..microsoft sure is heated about little words like that, they should have got a letter from Jamaica, where our words from the translation are more blunt. I'm curious though, does microsoft really think indians are going to adhere to that?
?? ... Wish this isnt the case with all work places in US ..
Jab Kismat Hain Pandu toh Kya karega .. ***** ..
Regards
Dhanesh.
.
Heard of many Microsoft humours in the past, but this one is for sure the most difficult one (at least for me) to reproduce and tell it to another person live.
I had to do work for a large company and heard of their new policy from one of the staff there, which said that the staff could get written up a report if they used foul language. I thought it was $%^&* ridiculous, jokes.
I don't see the harm in it, other than some people do get offended by it, but what are they really offended by?
Cheers,
MC
1. User is a person who steps on the rake
> 2. Dummy is a user who did not step on the rake as yet and so he is sure that there are no rakes at all.
> 3. Luser is a user who regularly steps on the rake, but who is still sure that no rakes exist.
> 4. Narrow specialist is a user who has mastered in stepping on the same rake.
> 5. Programmer is a person for whom in the process of stepping on the rake the most important thing is the result. Getting tired of stepping on somebody's rake he invents his own rake.
> 6. Advanced programmer is a programmer who steps on the same rake no more then twice.
> 7. Copyright is a concept, which limits the number of available rakes by the financial abilities of the user.
> 8. Gamer is a user for whom in stepping on the rake the most important is the process itself. As a rule the gamer cannot make the rake of his own.
> 9. Cheater is special kind of gamers, who prefers rakes with soft pads and usually does not step on the same rake more then once.
> 10. Hacker is a person who can step on the rake even if it's hidden in a shed and locked by a pad-lock.
> 11. Hacker idealist is a noble fighter for the everyone's right to step on the unlimited number of rakes.
> 12. Microsoft is a corporation, worldwide leader in manufacturing the rakes.
> 13. Bill Gates is a mythical creature from programmers' folklore. Malicious spirit who is the patron of the rakes.
> 14. Upgrade is a never-ending process of spending money on buying new rakes, each of which hurts more then previous.
> 15. Beta version is a version where rake could be seen from the first glance.
> 16. Release is a version where the rake is hidden under the leaves.
> 17. Versions compatibility is a principle, which insures that the new version of rake hits the same spot as the previous one.
> 18. Assembler is a programming language which enables stepping on the rake several millions times per second.
> 19. Local Area Network is a technology, which enables an opportunity to get hit even if somebody else has stepped on the rake.
> 20. Internet is a technology, which enables one to step on a rake even if the rake is located on the other side of the globe.
> 21. Lamer is a user, who concideres himself a very advanced user. He thinks he knows all the rakes in the world and knows how to avoid them. Usually steps on the rake even where there is no rake at all.
> 22. Multitasking is a concept which enables one to step on several rakes simalteniously.
> 23 . SysAdmin (System Administrator) is a person who gets hit when any user steps on the rake
Then a little bit more. Again my loose translation
System administrators' services price list
Asking a question - $10
Asking a stupid question - $20
Asking a stupid question which you could not express clearly - $30
Asking a question on the phone before reading Help - $10
Asking questions explained in User's manual - $100
Asking the same question again - $100
Request to come to your desk - $5/step
Being interrupted while working on other problem - $45/hour
If you insist on resolving your problem right now - $50/hour
If you expect that I'll explain how did I solve your problem - $60/hour
If you report a problem which I'm trying to resolve at the moment. - $70/hour
If you ask to fix a problem that was fixed yesterday. - $75/hour
Fixing you broken mouse by cleaning - $50
Fixing your broken printer by replacing the cartridge - $35
Fixing whatever is broken by using power switch to turn it on - $250
Did you ever know, that one Therapist equals to 1024 Gigapists and to 1048576 Megapists
What is the difference between a user and a programmer?
The user thinks, that there are 1000KB in 1MB.
The programmer is sure that there are 1024 m in one Km
Refering to ones customers or superiors as jackasses isn't proper, no matter how true the statement is. Just remember how would you like to call a help line and be cussed out, or as a suborninent to do a job and get cussed out. Now what you do on your own time is your business but when on company time, be curteous. There is plunty of time to swear and insult people off the clock, when your at work your being paid to do a job, you asked for the job, and there are "proper channels" to get rid of someone, yes they can be conveluted and full of red tape, but eventually you do get recognition for the work you do and those that can't...well they get moved to another position or fired.
Well thats my 2 cents. The memo was real funny but at the same time I understand where the writer is coming from...although I am sure that there could have been a much better way for them to explain the point then to use the very language that they were trying to stop...lol...hipocrits.
Still, besides everything said it is one of the most hellarious moves made by Microsoft. I'm sure it wont be too long before we see another one of these floating through our inbox's!!
I'm not hindi but I do understand the slang.
U left the best ones out. ie. CHUTIYA, GANDU.
Now clue everyone in on what this 2 words translate into... j/k
Great find.
But I have some greek collegues.
The often use the word "malaka".
Obviously, only greek people are able to understand this word.
Unfortunately, sometimes we have greek customers. So we have benn warned (not in a written form, cause we are not Crosoft), we have been verbally asked not to welcome a customer with the word "malaka".
I'm spreading this around. I know some people who would die laughing of this.
This is a bit over the top, though. It's a bit personal for such a topic and such a corporation as Microsoft. I would think they would make it more conservative, maybe not actually spell out the language in question...
Oh well, he made his point I guess.
I personally don't believe this is true.
But doesn't anynody think it isn't in the right forum? I mean, its not exactly "Computer Talk" is it?
QUOTE
I mean, its not exactly "Computer Talk" is it?Why not ? Concerns computers, concerns Microsoft, concerns politically corrects sentences, so it's precisely "Computer Talk".
This is fabricated.
Obviously, some programmer/admin/geek of South Asian descent thought it would be funny to have a little poke at MS...
But I can't believe that such a high profile official of an ultra-high profile company would issue such an explicit (and hilarious) memo to his employees. Maybe on a joking basis... but it's still hard to believe.
Hey m^e, where did you find this? Maybe that will give us a clue...
If he doesn't feel the fervor behind the words, he won't really associate them with "bad" in his mind, and thus he will feel that it's not such a big deal to use them in a letter. On another note, I also believe it's faked. If this Microsoft employee knew that these were swear words, it would really stupid of him to use them in a letter to people who are most familiar with the words. >_<
Things like this are actually happening increasingly of late in a lot of different situations.
For one, workers here are getting sick of migratns using their language of choice to blow them off right infront of them and also consumers where workers who have migrated here are doing the same towards them.
I guess that's why John Howard is starting to crack down heh heh.
yehuu
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